Pay attention.

God is persistent. According to Thomas Merton, “We refuse to hear the million different voices through which God speaks to us, and every refusal hardens us more and more against His grace – and yet He continues to speak to us: and we say He is without mercy!” The Seven Storey Mountain (143).

We can choose to pay attention, to stop, to listen, to think, to reflect, to let ourselves go into the darkness, so the Light can defeat it and guide our paths. There is so much doing, meeting, talking. What about being? Listening?

Saturday, while running through the woods with Watson, I journeyed through a montage of moments – at the funeral home, at church, at the cemetery, at my house, at my mom’s, on the phone, at work, as a child, as a new mom, at the last holiday, at our wedding. What was said? What was assumed? What was meant? I thought of Father Kevin and Father Frank’s incredible faith and loving guidance, and I found myself singing “Be Not Afraid,” the words and rhythm providing a reverie of prayer and contemplation. I allowed myself to go into the depths of the shadows of pain, grief, anger, and overwhelming sadness – no distractions, just the flow of movement and waves of torment.

“I’m sorry, Danny. I’m sorry, Danny. Please forgive me. I’m so sorry.” The tempoed lament resounded as I meandered through trails while dodging mud and ice. I plunged into the messiness of life: remorse, guilt, shame and missed opportunities to help. I sifted through phrases at recent gatherings, in conversations, and in tidbits of information. Would’ve, could’ve, should’ves haunted my run.

As I entered an open field flooded with sunlight, the memory of my father’s deathbed wink at Danny hit me. Peace filled my soul as I felt Danny’s wink, his forgiveness, his “it’s okay, Nance,” his Irish sense of not wanting to put me out. He would hate it if we all felt bad. He loved us, and he is basking in God’s mercy and love. I suspect he may feel sorry for us.

Now I just have to forgive myself. That is a bigger battle. I have to trust in God while being steadfast on the lookout for signposts on the road to reconciliation. I know they’re out there.

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